Bearing It All - The Greatest Quadrilogy Ever

CRITTERS

Trilogies are a dime a dozen these days. We've got the classic original Stars Wars trilogy, the insultingly  horrible Star Wars prequel trilogy, the Godfather trilogy, Beverly Hills Cop trilogy, Blade, Flash Gordon, Friday the list goes on and on. Tetralogies, or quadrilogies, are movies that come in a set of four. As far as quadrilogies go we've got nothing that warrants any merit. Well I guess the 3 Ninja's films were pretty memorable. But nothing comes close to the greatness of the Critters quadrilogy! But let's take a closer look at what makes it so great.

The Crites (Critters)

These little guys may come off as some sort of Gremlins rip off but let me tell you they have a personality of their own. Their only desire is to eat anything that has meat. Their weapon of choice is the spines on their back that they can shoot at any prey they are chasing. The quills are poisonous causing people to become weak and lethargic. These guys make the movie. Oh and did I mention that they are pretty foul mouthed?

The Bounty Hunters - Ug and Lee

The brooding silent type; they are hired by the galactic universe police (I'm pretty sure that's not their real name) to destroy the Crites that escaped from prison. They have cannons that decimate whatever they aim at and wear the most fashionable space bounty hunter suits. I have not seen a bounty hunter look more spectacular since Boba Fett!

Leonardo DiCaprio

The greatest actor to ever exist had his film debut in Critters 3. Forget about that nasty stint on Growing Pains where he (along with the vile sub-human we call Kirk Camron) ruined what was possibly already the most ridiculous television show to ever exist, Leo has made up for that in spades. Even at this age he had an aura of greatness and great screen presence. And just look at that hair!

Man did you see that! He was in that trailer for all of 0.0301 seconds! He didn't even need to say anything. You're brain only has two options upon seeing Leonardo DiCaprio. One you fall in love or two you get a man crush.

So there you have it. Critters was the greatest quadrilogy to ever be created! If they were to get into the same movie as the Gremlins, Ghoulies, Hobgoblins, and Puppet Master we'd reach Nirvana! It would be like the Expendables but with small creature/monster things. And check this out, you can buy all four Critters films on DVD for $12 at Target! You could probably get it cheaper at Wal-Mart but I really despise that store despite the fact that it seems to be taking over San Antonio.

The Beary Best Four (sort of) Anime Films

I love anime films and television. So when I ended up living in Japan it was almost like living an anime. There was an an anime style something just about everywhere you went that was in some way modernized. They used anime to let you know there was road work, that you were about to enter an adult film store, and even to promote gambling in the form of pachinko. FYI pachinko places run by the Yakuza do not really like it when an American tries to go to the VIP area. So since I love anime so much I decided that I would let you in on my four (sort of) favorite anime films of all time in no particular order.

Akira - 1988 English Dub

 

Normally I would never put over an English dub anything over the country of origin because bad lip syncing really gets to me. But since Cam Clarke headlines this version as Kaneda I find it to be the best version. You can't really try to make any sense out of the plot since the anime studio basically took six volumes (about a thousand pages each) and then tried to cram it in two hours of film; but that says a lot for a film to make absolutely no sense and still seem great! Whatever you do stay away from the 2001 English edition. It's awful. But good luck finding the 1988 English dub edition. I had to buy it in Korea when I was living there.

The Grave of the Fireflies

 

My general consensus about sad films is you don't cry. It's a film. And to date there are only three films that I have actually shed a tear for and they are Dear Zachary, The Long Way Home, and this anime film. It's a story about a brother and sister who are orphaned and must raise themselves during World War II. It shows some of the lesser thought of effects of war on a country that is actually a war zone and I think since America hasn't really been the field of battle since the Civil War we really don't think about it.

Perfect Blue

Perfect Blue is not only one of the best anime psychological thrillers in the world but one of the best psychological thrillers in the world. If you had any love for Black Swan then you should definitely watch Perfect Blue. Especially since Black Swan bit off of Perfect Blue pretty stinking hard. This film does a great job blurring the lines of reality, fantasy, and possible mental illness, so much so that you'll probably need to take notes to keep track of what is what. Normally I don't like to do homework during a film but in the cases of this and Inception I make exceptions.

Every Other Studio Ghibli Film Other Than Grave of the Fireflies

Alright so this is cheating. Just a little bit though. But then again my blog, my rules yeah. Anyway I don't think I have ever seen a Ghibli film that I didn't like. Grave of the Fireflies gets a special mention because it can illicit more emotions than most of the others and unlike the other Ghibli films is based in reality instead of a fantasy world but I have yet to not be entertained by one of the Ghibli films. Even my kids love them and those are the hardest critics in the world. These films just have a great way of getting your soul to smile and that makes them worthwhile. For a list of all the Ghibli films and television productions click right here.

Bearly Plausible - Kids Films With Adult Things

Hey, this is such a great kids movie! I mean look at all the cute things happening on the screen! This is what it's all about kids. Wholesome family... films that... Uh... Hey this is getting pretty... Oh my... Ah! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhh! That's exactly the emotions that everyone went through when watching children's films from the 70's and 80's. And that's how it should be. Today's kids films are to safe and sound. Our films put some fear into you. For instance in The Never Ending Story whenever Gmork (the werewolf thing) was on screen you became afraid. Nowadays kids film villains have a nasty habit of being completely inept. I'm looking at you Spy Kids films. So I present to you for your child's viewing pleasure and perhaps to ensure they become a productive adult in the future here are the three most insane children's movies ever.

3. WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory was a great 1971 film that had everything! An awesome factory with edible wallpaper and giant gummi bears that grew on trees. It even has a cameo from our very own San Antonio Riverwalk in the chocolate river. But it also had the what I can only assume was the utter demise of four kids that had major flaws and then the boat ride from Hell!

2. THE ADVENTURES OF MARK TWAIN

This little known claymation film  from 1985 was a pretty normal affair. Well if you consider two farm kids traveling to various world's with Mark Twain so that he can make an appointment he has with Halley's Comet normal. But the creepiest segment has to be The Mysterious Stranger where Mark Twain and the kids meet up with the angel Satan. 

1. RETURN TO OZ

What can I say about the 1985 (must have been a benchmark year) Return to Oz with a young Fairuza Balk as the lead. This movie was just full of weird things though. The insane asylum, The Wheelers, and a creepy pumpkin headed sidekick are just a few of the oddities in this film. And for some reason Toto is replaced with a chicken...You know pretty much the whole of this movie could be placed here but the freakiest thing was the witch Mombi who collects heads of beautiful women has to be the creepiest thing.