Angrrrr! How the Military Ruined A Genre Part 2

This is it. It's the grand finale! The military has either enhanced my visual acuity and elevated my perception to the illusions that the film industry has created or it has taken away my ability to watch a movie that features the military in it in any shape or form. Or maybe I'm just very picky about what I expect in a film since I know and lived the military. So here it is, the top three reasons that the military has ruined any film that it is featured in.

3. That Doesn't Look Right At All 2: Shazbot! They're At It Again!

Top Offenders: Behind Enemy Lines, Iron Eagle

This problem is so prevalent in films that it demands two spots on the list! It's the most common problem that plagues films. Typically this problem can be boiled down to two different scenarios. First off the visual is incorrect which become an eyesore. And secondly you'll hear characters say something incorrect.

Let's look at Behind Enemy Lines real quick. This movie is a prime example of the two aforementioned problems that military movies have. The biggest problem is the aerial battle scene which has Owen Wilson's nose claiming that they are "being painted" by some Surface to Air Missiles (SAM) that the Bosnian rebels probably bought from us. Being painted is incorrect because the SAM launcher would use either heat seeking or radar to lock on to the target. Painting is done when a laser is pinpointing the target. If they were being painted someone would have had to be following the jet the entire time in order to keep the missile on track.

"That nose is out of regs Lieutenant!"

Which brings me to the problem of the missile itself. It performs several miracles. First the missiles chase the pilots who are at full throttle for at least four minutes or so. That's a lot of mileage to cover, especially considering that an fighter jet can go about mach 2.5 or around 950 MPH! Missiles have have a nice advantage of going faster then jets but there is one problem. They have limited fuel. And if a missile senses that the acquired target is pulling away from it or it runs out of fuel they just blow themselves up out of shame of failure. One missile even makes a 180 degree turn. Those missiles should not have tailed them for so long.

And why does the pilot pop chaff? Chaff is for radar weapons but they make it clear that these missiles are heat seeking by dropping fuel tanks to create an explosion. You could argue that they dropped the tank to lose some weight but that still doesn't explain the problem of the magic missiles making several turns to catch the jet. You can check out the entire scene here.

2. First We War, Then We Party

Top Offenders: All of them

War is generally depicted in films as being very, uh, active. And dangerous to the point where people are killed during the most random moments. This might have been true pre Gulf War but for the most part when we deploy to a battle theater there is a lot of this going on:

"Dude, I think I left the stove on."

You pretty much are just sitting around until there is something to do. Sometimes that something is dangerous and intense but a lot of time it's quite and non-eventful. I don't want to downplay the seriousness of what can and does in combat but films make it seem like we are constantly bombarded with all manner of destruction. Sometimes this is true... For the first 48 hours. After that base is getting set up, Red Horse is plowing a runway, and if your in the Air Force a luxury hotel is being built to house the Airmen.

"This is considered low end accommodations for Air Force personnel."

As for the partying in Jarhead our protagonists spend the whole movie wanting to shoot someone (that's cuckoo) with little results. That seems about right. But then at the end we are treated to an insane display of a huge bonfire with soldiers tossing in their uniforms and all other manner of deployment gear. That stuff costs a lot of money you know. Then to top it off everyone starts firing their weapons off straight into the air! If you don't remember or were fortunate enough to not see this film check out the scene here.

"Quick shoot them! I'm allergic to bees!"

I hope that these guys are aware that bullets do eventually come back down and shooting straight into the air (which some of them do) is not really in the best interests of the living that wish to remain so. And I also hope that they are aware that the military keeps very good track of it's munitions stockpile. Heck the army go so far as to weight their empty shells. That means that after they shoot they pick every shell casing up. The Air Force keeps track by making someone accountable for it by having them sign off on actually shooting the rounds. I wonder where all the people in charge went.

1.No Need to Reload We Used the Infinite Ammo Code

Top Offenders: Transformers, Commando, Rambo: First Blood 2, Predator, Predators, Under Siege, Battlefield: Los Angeles

The number one problem is also the most glaring and ridiculous. On average a soldier carries a couple hundred rounds when they are toting the M-4 Carbine. Now if you have a belt fed weapon you might have a little more. Weapons on full automatic empty pretty fast. Were talking a few seconds fast. Most magazine fed weapons have 20 or 30 round capacity. That means you have to reload a lot if you are say, planning on mowing down a rainforest because a Predator killed Jesse Ventura. You watch this and tell me how many times you see them reload. Another Arnold movie Commando has the same problem.

"My machine gun has a +5 damage modifier, a flame enchantment, and is vorpal... Oh yeah infinite ammo too."

In fact all of Arnold's movies have this problem. You can also add to that every single 80's action film that was ever made. Even films made this century suffer from the same problem. In Battlefield: Los Angeles they reload but they have a never ending supply of magazines. I don't know what's worse, not reloading or having a magical vest that keeps producing full magazines.

"What is that thing flying away from me? Oh no! It's my credibility!"

If a real soldier were to have as many rounds on them as films portray them having we'd be so weighed down that he'd get as much done as a politician. Zing! Sure it would take away from the action to have a unit return from the field to reload or have one of the soldiers just walking around with the unit not doing anything because he ran out of ammunition at the beginning of the movie.

So there you have it. A boys dream shattered. Wait strike that. A mans dream shattered. The military has effectively crushed my ability to watch a film without noticing these errors. I've even ruined movie experiences for my family by having an outburst by pausing the film and letting everyone know the way it should have been. That may explain why everyone seems to have a doctors appointment anytime I invite them over for a movie. Keep in mind that I only mentioned military movies here because if I had included every other action film, not to mention every John Woo movie I'd be writing a book and not a blog.

THE END