Bearing It All - The Greatest Quadrilogy Ever

CRITTERS

Trilogies are a dime a dozen these days. We've got the classic original Stars Wars trilogy, the insultingly  horrible Star Wars prequel trilogy, the Godfather trilogy, Beverly Hills Cop trilogy, Blade, Flash Gordon, Friday the list goes on and on. Tetralogies, or quadrilogies, are movies that come in a set of four. As far as quadrilogies go we've got nothing that warrants any merit. Well I guess the 3 Ninja's films were pretty memorable. But nothing comes close to the greatness of the Critters quadrilogy! But let's take a closer look at what makes it so great.

The Crites (Critters)

These little guys may come off as some sort of Gremlins rip off but let me tell you they have a personality of their own. Their only desire is to eat anything that has meat. Their weapon of choice is the spines on their back that they can shoot at any prey they are chasing. The quills are poisonous causing people to become weak and lethargic. These guys make the movie. Oh and did I mention that they are pretty foul mouthed?

The Bounty Hunters - Ug and Lee

The brooding silent type; they are hired by the galactic universe police (I'm pretty sure that's not their real name) to destroy the Crites that escaped from prison. They have cannons that decimate whatever they aim at and wear the most fashionable space bounty hunter suits. I have not seen a bounty hunter look more spectacular since Boba Fett!

Leonardo DiCaprio

The greatest actor to ever exist had his film debut in Critters 3. Forget about that nasty stint on Growing Pains where he (along with the vile sub-human we call Kirk Camron) ruined what was possibly already the most ridiculous television show to ever exist, Leo has made up for that in spades. Even at this age he had an aura of greatness and great screen presence. And just look at that hair!

Man did you see that! He was in that trailer for all of 0.0301 seconds! He didn't even need to say anything. You're brain only has two options upon seeing Leonardo DiCaprio. One you fall in love or two you get a man crush.

So there you have it. Critters was the greatest quadrilogy to ever be created! If they were to get into the same movie as the Gremlins, Ghoulies, Hobgoblins, and Puppet Master we'd reach Nirvana! It would be like the Expendables but with small creature/monster things. And check this out, you can buy all four Critters films on DVD for $12 at Target! You could probably get it cheaper at Wal-Mart but I really despise that store despite the fact that it seems to be taking over San Antonio.

The Beary Best Four (sort of) Anime Films

I love anime films and television. So when I ended up living in Japan it was almost like living an anime. There was an an anime style something just about everywhere you went that was in some way modernized. They used anime to let you know there was road work, that you were about to enter an adult film store, and even to promote gambling in the form of pachinko. FYI pachinko places run by the Yakuza do not really like it when an American tries to go to the VIP area. So since I love anime so much I decided that I would let you in on my four (sort of) favorite anime films of all time in no particular order.

Akira - 1988 English Dub

 

Normally I would never put over an English dub anything over the country of origin because bad lip syncing really gets to me. But since Cam Clarke headlines this version as Kaneda I find it to be the best version. You can't really try to make any sense out of the plot since the anime studio basically took six volumes (about a thousand pages each) and then tried to cram it in two hours of film; but that says a lot for a film to make absolutely no sense and still seem great! Whatever you do stay away from the 2001 English edition. It's awful. But good luck finding the 1988 English dub edition. I had to buy it in Korea when I was living there.

The Grave of the Fireflies

 

My general consensus about sad films is you don't cry. It's a film. And to date there are only three films that I have actually shed a tear for and they are Dear Zachary, The Long Way Home, and this anime film. It's a story about a brother and sister who are orphaned and must raise themselves during World War II. It shows some of the lesser thought of effects of war on a country that is actually a war zone and I think since America hasn't really been the field of battle since the Civil War we really don't think about it.

Perfect Blue

Perfect Blue is not only one of the best anime psychological thrillers in the world but one of the best psychological thrillers in the world. If you had any love for Black Swan then you should definitely watch Perfect Blue. Especially since Black Swan bit off of Perfect Blue pretty stinking hard. This film does a great job blurring the lines of reality, fantasy, and possible mental illness, so much so that you'll probably need to take notes to keep track of what is what. Normally I don't like to do homework during a film but in the cases of this and Inception I make exceptions.

Every Other Studio Ghibli Film Other Than Grave of the Fireflies

Alright so this is cheating. Just a little bit though. But then again my blog, my rules yeah. Anyway I don't think I have ever seen a Ghibli film that I didn't like. Grave of the Fireflies gets a special mention because it can illicit more emotions than most of the others and unlike the other Ghibli films is based in reality instead of a fantasy world but I have yet to not be entertained by one of the Ghibli films. Even my kids love them and those are the hardest critics in the world. These films just have a great way of getting your soul to smile and that makes them worthwhile. For a list of all the Ghibli films and television productions click right here.

Bearly Plausible - Kids Films With Adult Things

Hey, this is such a great kids movie! I mean look at all the cute things happening on the screen! This is what it's all about kids. Wholesome family... films that... Uh... Hey this is getting pretty... Oh my... Ah! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhh! That's exactly the emotions that everyone went through when watching children's films from the 70's and 80's. And that's how it should be. Today's kids films are to safe and sound. Our films put some fear into you. For instance in The Never Ending Story whenever Gmork (the werewolf thing) was on screen you became afraid. Nowadays kids film villains have a nasty habit of being completely inept. I'm looking at you Spy Kids films. So I present to you for your child's viewing pleasure and perhaps to ensure they become a productive adult in the future here are the three most insane children's movies ever.

3. WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory was a great 1971 film that had everything! An awesome factory with edible wallpaper and giant gummi bears that grew on trees. It even has a cameo from our very own San Antonio Riverwalk in the chocolate river. But it also had the what I can only assume was the utter demise of four kids that had major flaws and then the boat ride from Hell!

2. THE ADVENTURES OF MARK TWAIN

This little known claymation film  from 1985 was a pretty normal affair. Well if you consider two farm kids traveling to various world's with Mark Twain so that he can make an appointment he has with Halley's Comet normal. But the creepiest segment has to be The Mysterious Stranger where Mark Twain and the kids meet up with the angel Satan. 

1. RETURN TO OZ

What can I say about the 1985 (must have been a benchmark year) Return to Oz with a young Fairuza Balk as the lead. This movie was just full of weird things though. The insane asylum, The Wheelers, and a creepy pumpkin headed sidekick are just a few of the oddities in this film. And for some reason Toto is replaced with a chicken...You know pretty much the whole of this movie could be placed here but the freakiest thing was the witch Mombi who collects heads of beautiful women has to be the creepiest thing.

The Bear Claw - Short Films That Deserve To Be Full Length Features

Mortal Kombat Legacy

Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation were actual films based off the video game of the same name but no one would call them cinema gold. The first one was alright but Annihilation was one of the worst movies ever to be produced. Now if this were to be made into film it would have had the opportunity to be one of the best video game movie adaptations ever created! Unfortunately the creators of the video game series weren't too keen on the way the story was changed. Fortunately they have allowed the creators of this short film to do a web series on the game. Check it out here and check out the short below.

Batman: Dead End

The Christopher Nolan Batman was a great trilogy but with director Nolan saying he's not going to be making anymore of these films what is DC and Warner Brothers to do? If they think rebooting the franchise again is the right idea they would be incorrect. They should either just start off with Batman already established, because we all know the back story by now, or they should go with this. Batman: Dead End manages to infuse some life into a franchise that has an unknown future and while I won't spoil it for you it also reinvigorates two other franchises at the same time. You see, a triple whammy.

Time Crisis

First off R.I.P. to Andy Whitfield who is showcased not only in this but also in the first season of the Spartacus series by Starz. He was a great actor. Freddie Wong who partners with Whitfield in this video take out a slew of bad guys... Now I know that I said I hated the "infinite ammo code" in my blog about military films but when it comes to crazy action movies like this or anything John Woo does I give it an pass. No need for reloading when your about to smash a whole bunch of gun-fu into my television. This as a full length feature would be insane!

~FIN~

The Bear Essentials - Rubber

Food Equivalent: Jell-O... It shouldn't taste good. But it does.

The Best Part: The pointless nature of the whole thing.

The Worst Part: The Ending

Genre: Comedy

Rating: R

Running Time: 82 minutes

Bonus Points: Telepathic Explosions... And a rabbit explosion.

Official Website 
IMDB
Rotten Tomatoes 
 
I'm just going to let you check out the introduction to this film, because it says virtually everything you will need to know. Just through this three minute long intro alone you will know whether or not you are going to love or hate this film. And more then likely you are just going to end up leaning, in the extreme, one direction or the other.

So there you go. The whole reason for the events of this movie taking place are explained right there. The basic synopsis of the film is that an old car tire has become a living, breathing, self aware being. So what is a newly born formally inanimate object supposed to do with their gift of life? Well blow things up of course! Yeah, the tire has telepathic abilities that allow it to focus it's energy into blowing the heads of it's victims up. But along the way of blowing things up the tire (named Robert by the way) finds a girl. After Robert fails to blow her head up with his powers the tire follows her. This is either presumably to try and blow her head up or to be her lover. You never really find out which.
Happening simultaneously as the tire is killing there is a crowd of onlookers watching the events unfold as if it were a movie. The Sheriff who is the protagonist in the film, mainly because there is no one else to fill the role, keeps the movie (for the onlookers) moving along.

The greatest thing about this film is it's quirky, fun, and lighthearted take on itself and movies in general. The only gripe I can actually find with the film is the pretty slow introduction to the tire, Robert, we get and the very last part of the ending. Everything up to the end is pure gold. At the very end though after the fate of the Sheriff, Robert, the woman, and the audience watching the film within the film are played out there is the type of ending I never like. The ending that doesn't really mean anything. I would have been fine with the "no reason" ending since they make it clear throughout the film that this is what it's all about. But they do one of those open ended endings.

All in all the film is great and worth the watch. Even though the ending was kind of bad the rest of the film more than makes up for it. It's definitely worth a purchase and is a great addition to any film collection out there. They had some great effects going to get that tire roaming and the effects for the head explosions are awesomely cheesy. The script is very smart and well crafted and the Sheriff is comedy gold! As a side note for a little bit I thought that the Sherrif was played by Eric Roberts (brother of Julia Roberts and star of Best of the Best) but it's not folks. So we're in the clear folks.

THE FILM BEAR SAYS

The Beary Best - Fight Scenes

Since the death of Bruce Lee martial arts films have been on  a steady decline... In America at least. Asia has been steadily churning out quality martial arts films. Here are a list of my three favorite fight scenes in Asia cinema since the death of the mighty Bruce Lee.

JACKIE CHAN VS. BRADLEY JAMES ALLEN - GORGEOUS

Jackie Chan has made his name in the United States as being the quirky, stunt performing, comedian of martial arts star. Back in China though he is known for so much more. He puts out serious martial arts films, as well as dramas. This guy is even known as a great singer! So it's no surprise that his best fighting scene is from one of his homelands offerings. Here he showcases not his daredevil side but his martial arts prowess while keeping a little of his sense of humor.

DONNIE YEN VS. SAMMO HUNG - SHA PO LONG

Any martial arts film aficionado could comprise a favorites list full of Donnie Yen fights alone. But Sha Po Long (Killzone in the United States) stands out for a few reasons. Firstly just look as Sammo Hung. Who would have thought he could fight like that? Secondly this brawl takes place in the coolest setting ever! What a night club! And finally they smash everything that looks breakable on that set!

DONNIE YEN VS. COLLIN CHOU - FLASHPOINT

There is only one fight scene in my mind that trumps Donnie Yen in Sha Po Long. The lengthy final fight scene in Flashpoint has just about everything you could want from a movie fight. Donnie Yen and Collin Chou showcase their skills in various martial arts all in one fight and it looks like neither of them are going to let up. Ask most people what their favorite martial arts movie fight scene is and this will be consistently in most lists.

So there you have it. My favorite fights from a movie. There were so many more that I wanted to list but had to leave out so here are the honorable mentions: Steve Adkins, Tony Jaa, and Jeejaa Yanin are all great martial artists and have great fight scenes as well.

The Bear Essentials - The Room

Food Equivalent: Any "food" item from Fear Factor 

The Best Part: When the credits rolled & I got my life back.

The Worst Part:It actually cost $6 million to make!

Genre: Drama / Black Comedy (?)

Rating: R

Running Time: 99 min   

Bonus Points: A doorway to insanity.

IMDB     Rotten Tomatoes       

It has been a long known fact that the two worst movies ever created are Manos The Hands of Fate and Troll 2. Both horrendous movies that were ostracized at the time of their release but over time have now become highly regarded masterpieces of filming so bad that its actually come full circle and ended up being good. It's a rare feat that a film achieves greatness through complete garbage. But those films also have something special about them. An aura surrounds them and you can't help but like them. The Room has now shown up to dethrone the worst movie ever royalty of Manos and Troll 2 but unfortunately  it doesn't share any of the charm of charisma of either of those films.

The Room is (I think) about a banker whose life starts to fall apart at the seams? Yeah I purposely ended that sentence with a question mark. His fiancee and best friend start cheating on him for the first time like three different times. He has a creepy future serial killer college kid that comes to his house all the time. There are also a handful of other characters that have plot points brought up only to be dropped literally a scene later. One guy even shows up mid movie after no introduction or mention and we are just supposed to know who he is. If my synopsis for this movie doesn't make any sense to you well now you know how I felt through this whole movie. This movie is like people who gawk at automobile accidents or actually like watching NASCAR. I can't explain anymore, it's giving me a migraine. Here look at this scene and you'll understand just how bad everything is.

Please don't be mad at me about wasting those two minutes of your life. But that is just one scene. I went through 99 minutes of scenes exactly like that. My explanation for why this movie is so out of sync with what we call reality is because Tommy Wiseau (writer, director, producer, distributor, and star of the movie) dropped the script and all the pages became mixed up. And since Tommy didn't bother to number the pages he just shuffled them back together and said, "It's fine." Here check out this scene for a good laugh.

Watching The Room is more akin to being in a trap from Saw than it is an actual film. I'm not sure why it's even called The Room because there is nothing roomish about it. It takes place mostly in a townhouse and it's roof but that is a lot bigger than a room. The House should have been the title... I can actually feel myself losing strength by continuing to talk about this movie. Let's just see the bear's score on this horrible curse placed upon man.

THE FILM BEAR SAYS...

 

Uh oh.  

Well this isn't good.

 

 WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK? MAYBE?